Last Depressing Meeting

Written on June 11, 2008

So, it seems that Bill Wilson, the co-founder of AA, is hearing about just having to accept his depression, and that he may not have a rosy life -- ever!

It's interesting, this following article, that the Fr. Dowling told him this, and now Bill is seen as a great man. So, it makes me think that maybe it's not our decision that our life is to be always happy when there's some HP running the show with a higher purpose for us:

An excerpt taken from a conversation with Alcoholics Anonymous' founder from Legacy Group, in TX.

Bill may see his depression as a result of his failure to work the Twelve Steps [...]

[During a conversation with Fr. Ed Dowling in 1940, when Bill is down and out], Bill confesses his personal struggles. Dowling, [...] gives Bill a new perspective on depression.

Father Ed quoted to him, "Blessed are they who hunger and thirst." When Bill asked whether there was ever to be any satisfaction, the older man snapped back, "Never. Never any." Bill was to be a person who would keep on reaching. In his reaching he would find Gods goals, hidden in his own heart.

Wednesday June 11, 2008:

I was up at 6:30 a.m. after letting the radio (alarm) go on and on. I rushed to a shower and then, since I promised Carl that I'd be early for the 2nd ever meeting of the New Day Group, I got on a bus. I ended up as a "greeter" in a hallway to guide people through the maze to show them the location of the meeting.

I forgot my keys to the AA office at home, so I had to borrow a set from someone on the executive who was at the meeting. It was embarrassing, both that, and arriving here, because I had to get a maintenance person to open the office door. She gave me a lecture. And the executive member made a comment that she should have just sucked up. I was already feeling less-than after having just moved, having lost the use of my car, having to learn the buses, having to learn to adjust to the new house and roomie. Anyhoo, I'm volunteering for AA right now as I speak (type).

I pretty much started the day, feeling a little un-OK to others. Man I hate that. I was thinking about what my roommate said to me yesterday when I was describing my supper Carol. I'd been busy lately with worry over house changing, and so I sort of forgot that a few weeks ago I had gotten Carol to tell me that there was no hope of us ever having a relationship (she danced around it, I made her clarify).

But anyway, in my non-thinking state, she invited me to an impromptu supper on the 8th. Now my roomie said that she's just taking me for a ride; and from that I got that it's not very nice to just be available at some chick's whim and on short notice. I think what got to Ellen (my roomie) was that I was calling this a "date" and this Carol person greeted me with "oh I'm all sweaty". Why I set myself up like that, I don't know. Carol's behavior didn't surprise me though, coz I remembered about our past; it's just I have to start finding girls to date who actually see me as a date and not as some stupid pawn to respond to them on their terms and only when it's convenient for them.

What is it? Am I too short? I'm going with that today. I've gotten so much disrespect from people in the last month; I know it contributed a lot to my bottom. I was at the AA gettogether on Saturday, and even there, one of the servers' first words were "none for you". That's supposed to be funny? What the hell is wrong with these people?

Tuesday, June 10:

I got up too late, and was boiled out of bed. I went to the lunch meeting to meet with my sponsor, but his schedule, and an AA related thing, caused him to tell me, only after he was finished dealing with the AA related thing, that we can't be meeting. Shit! I was waiting for 25 minutes for him after the meeting, and only after all that does he tell me we won't be going to coffee! Bastard!

I ate way too late in the afternoon, and Ellen and I are chatting about my "date" last night. I'm feeling like I'm some kind of twit for always ending up in these situations.

I go to the Depression Support Group for its last meeting, but I want to check out the Thrift Store first. So I buy a cordless phone, a digital answering machine, an unopened electronic stopwatch, a binder, some chips bag clips, some washable markers (new) all for under $20.00. That's a steal! Half the stuff didn't have a price tag, so it was around a dollar.

I come into the group after that, and I sit by Trina, the girl I like there. We have to fill in notes for everyone saying "what I like about you"... I tell her she's cute and I'm always good for a hug. I think I might have said something even more suggestive than that. She also had prepared me a long note and gave it to me. I was thinking about her bum for about a week. Still am. haha. I left her my numbers and email.

Enuff... I gotta go order Internet, make an appointment with my welfare worker to have my address changed, and to try to get some moolah for moving, and furniture, etc., and I'm sure I can find some other stuff that needs to be done coz I've moved.